12TH JUNE - TRANSPORT

With The Shameless Films Sketch Troupe, David Blair, Don Moses(Not pictured but you all know Don.) Danny Case, Kate Fox and Don Barr.


A wonderful mixed bag of comedy this week - Stand up from Danny Case and David Blair; sketches from shameless; and a few comedy cocktails - Comedy and magic mixed by Don Moses - And stand up with a hint of music and a twist of poetry from Kate fox and Don Barr.

The competition was World's Worst Pilot imagine the worst possible message that could come over the tanoy while at 30,000 feet... We usually give you the winners but today here are some of the ones I've just found which we forgot to read out...

"The second engine's gone, we're going down. And I never wanted to be a pilot anyway, I wanted to be a lumberjack.."

"Big bird has just shat on the windscreen."

"Prepare for warp speed!"

5-June Rock n Roll

Some of the acts this week- Ben Davis; Steffan Peddie; Ging; Sean Mcloughlin.

Al introduced Ben Davis, who got the ball rolling with tales of his failing love life. He knew she was too posh for him when she sliced fruit onto her cereal. Steffan Peddie popped in to give us some new material. The fun of lying to kids - 'Horses eat people!' - then taking them to Heartlepool and seeing the amazement when they find out the story about them hanging the monkey was actually true!

In part two we saw first timer Brian Errick, a fine musician trying his hand at comedy songs for the first time. A promising start, though sometimes we couldn't quite make out the funny lyrics under the impressive guitar playing.
Next up was Ging the Mirthiless. Ging is still working on his unique approach to comedy, which today consisted of walking onstage, sitting down, having a fag, and waiting until the novelty wore off.

Sean McLoughlin stuck to the rock n roll theme and wondered where today's rock heros are. In the 60's was Keith Moon, we've got Jamie Theakston. Last up was was Jobie, possibly our youngest performer ever. He actually knows someone called 'Dirty Sanchez' and he lived up to the name - when someone suggested playing the dubious 'biscuit game' Sanchez had one question,'What Kind of biscuit?'

The competition was Rock n Roll animals. Pete's example was the Led Zep classic 'Whole Otter Love' - which didn't sound that good until he returned to the stage with the tune blaring and a picture of an otter, proving that the song was now ruined for all present. But inspired by such antics we had a bumper crop of top suggestions...

Aerosmith - Love in an alligator.
The Smiths - Shark lifters of the World / This Charming Manatee.
Simply Red - Holding back the ears.

29 May - The Blues.

This week another full crowd! Thanks for coming out. And a great line up onstage, With Tom Mitchell, Adam Tempest, Dave Dynamite, Nish and Chris Ramsey.

Tom Mitchell started us off, with the smoking ban coming he'll finally be rid of lazy smokers asking for a light, at least heroin adicts carry their own equiptment. A nice start to the show from one of the masterminds behind the Belly Rub Sketch group.

Adam Tempest was next up, representing all the hypocondriac comedians out there. Just don't call him a 'hypo' - it sounds like a disease and he'll think he's got it.

Dave Dynamite stepped up to plug a gap in the schedule, and destroyed the mic stand within seconds of getting on the stage, fortunately he also reduced the audience to tears, so we'll forgive him.

Next up was Nish - sent as a substitute by Ed Gamble who had a dicky tummy. Nish turned out to be the super sub, delivering a great set encompassing drive by racism and strategies for getting out of fights, through the use of ballroom dancing.

Finally Chris Ramsey took to the stage with a collection of new material - he's saving his best stuff for next week at the Chillingham- see our monthly gig. Still a great end to a great night.

The theme was 'The Blues' so for the competition Pete and Cal - or Bobby 'torn ligament' Thompson, and Jack 'broken fingers' Cramb (to use their blues names) performed your blues lyrics. Our favourite was

I woke up this morning, my Boyfriend was dead, My PMT was so bad, I'd punched him til he bled. (and it was by a girl too.)

22nd May - Competitions

22nd May - Competitions.

Al Dawes manfully forgot to mention the theme, and talked a bit too much about sex. He introduced:

Donnachda O'Conill - who is not a cheeky Irish chappy full of blarney at all;
Paul Gerrard - LLC's favourite gag machine;
Jo-Bie - who is EIGHTEEN, remember that, EIGHTEEN!;
Andy Taylor - it was Andy's first attempt, we hope to see him back soon;
Julie Dunstone - back up again to talk about smoking and farting;
Dave McCue - big fan of geordie flight crew
Dave Dynamite - with all manner of manic fresh material...if only Richard and Judy were more working class...

15th May - Workaholics

15th May - Workaholics.

Guest compere Don Moses took control for the whole night, doing magic, performing to camera, and generally being the all round entertainer that he is.

Also performing on the night were:
Kate Fox - poet turned comedian possibly turning back a bit to a poet;
Michael Hunter - regular punter who is just starting to entertain;
Dickie Gardener - Hexham chunky monkey who has just recovered from a mystery illness;
Ric Wharton - Sick little puppy with a cheeky grin, so you don't always realise the unadulterated foulness pouring forth from him
Callum Cramb - Our very own man inviting jokes from the audience, and telling tales of recent conquests.

1st May - Madness.

Guest Compere Chris Ramsey introduces the LLC experience, Danny Case, Sean Mcloughlin, Ric Wharton, James Christopher and Carl Hutchinson.(Not pictured.)

1st May - Madness.
Back to (sort of) respectable numbers after a poorly attended couple of weeks. And we were certainly back to full strength on the stage, with a packed bill of great acts. Guest compere Chris Ramsey did a great job...

...more later.

The competition was Am I going Mad?
We all have occassional mental lapses which may be the first signs of mental colapse. We asked 'What have you done recently which led you to ask, 'Am I going loopy?'
-I say 'Ow!' if my backdoor slams particularly hard. Am I going Mad?
-I just unwrapped a toffee, threw it in the bin and put the paper in my mouth. Am I going Mad?
-After an hour of searching I found my glasses in the fridge. Am I going Mad?

Our winner was the woman who panicked during her driving test and took the instruction 'go straight over the roundabout' too literally.

24th April- Cry God for Harry, England and St George!

Al introduced, Don Moses, Adam Tempest, Paul Gerrard and James Harris.

The day after St George's and patriotic Al tried to big-up England without sounding racist. Al was impressed by St. George's most famous act - killing the dragon - he'd tried to beat up the faries at the bottom of his garden and they'd pummelled him.

Don Moses started the show, and as a man of a certain age wondered why he was being targeted by e-mails offering viagra. Or viagroo - as it's usually spelt to avoid the spam blockers. Don was sceptical- if they can't even spell it, how do they manage to manufacture it?

James Harris made his LLC debut, and only his second gig ever. But it was a brilliant 5 minutes of great material, and left us wanting more. He showed the confidence of a man who knows he's wearing 'Calvin Klein's MInce'.

Finishing the show were regular LLC contributers Adam Tempest and Paul Gerrard. Adam's relaxed style and Paul's barrage of one-liners made for a cracking end to the show.

17th April - Frogs.

This show was titled frogs because we'd planned to do a sketch about tadpoles, but in the end it never mateialised, so we were left with this rather odd theme for no aparent reason. Not that it mattered, the post holiday lull finally arrived and not many people came out - just a group of the hardcore regulars who are used of our little ways.

Making the Best of it were; Dave Dyanamite, Dave Howarth, Graham Lee and Nish.


A cracking start from LLC regular Dave Dynamite, who had to rush off for his second gig of the night at another venue. Topical as always, Dave started with our theme and stuck with it for almost a whole second.

Next up, two lads who'd driven all the way from Leeds to amuse the assembled few. Dave Howarth stuck to the theme, he actually turned out to be bit of an expert on amphibians, though chiefly on what happens when you're mowing the lawn too near the pond. Dave must also be the only man in the world who was prevented from having sex by 40 drunk cheerleaders, and was pleased about it. Graham Lee was up with a cracking run through topics from the YMCA, E-bay and scrabble, and one of the nearest the knuckle jokes we've heard in a while.

Nish, a regular of the Durham comedy scene, was making his first LLC appearance and impressed everyone with an assured stage presence, original lines and a great turn of phrase. (Or good vocabulary, as Al first put it.)

The LLC regulars completed the line up, with Pete compereing and Al and Cal doing the honours for the last part of the show. Particularly nice were Al's gentle tales of life in the Oxfordshire village where he grew up. Until he moved to Newcastle he didn't realise it was unusual to start an anecdote with the words 'You know those kids in your class with the extra fingers...'

10th April- Keeping Up

This week's theme was Keeping UpCallum introduced Don Moses, Stu Robertson, Don Barr, Viv, and John Scott.

The competition was Keeping it up too long.
What childish habits do you keep up, even though you should really know better?

April 3rd. The sound of silence.

Al introduced; Gav Webster, James Christopher, Carl Hutchinson, Michael Hunter, Chris Ramsey,

also apperaring were Adam Tempest and Edgar J. Stankmire.

Al was compere this week, and stuck with the difficult theme. 'Silence doesn't have a sound - what else is there to talk about?' He did swing it round to the impression you make before you spoil it by opening your mouth. If you look like someone famous then your first impression is more to do with them than you. According to a website which will automatically compare your face with world celebrities, Al's first impression is a mix of Kim Jong Il and Heidi Klum.

James Christopher, who often appears as guest compere - to prepare for his own comedy nights in York - was back as an act this week. Last time we heard his relationship was on shakey ground, due to having arguments with the eastenders theme tune in the background. Now James has realised it was a doomed chewing gum relationship - the more effort you put in the more dull and unpalatable it becomes.

Next up was a real treat, we finally got local comedy legend Gav Webster to the stage. Great material and just as impressive ad-libs, (To a reluctant punter 'You don't have to pretend to like it- we're not in Iran') Even though he was on second, for 10 minutes, he still bothered to bring hs guitar and amp along and gave us a song that the middlesborough tourist board is surely going to snap up. You can see Gav at Northern stage in his own show on the 11th and 12th of May.

Next up was first timer Michael Hunter. He's been a regular in the crowd for a few months and decided to have a go, and (hats off) it wasn't bad for a first attempt.

Pete Thompson was up next as broadway producer Edgar P. Stankmire, in a scene adapted from a sit-com script. Was it drama? Was it stand up? Did it work? Not really, no. But new acts and new ideas are all part of the LLC spirit, even if they do sometimes fall on their arse.

From falling on arses to standing on heads, as Carl Hutchinson demonstrated how to get the latest styling look; 1. apply gel 2. do a breakdance head spin. Voila! Daft hair. Carl got the evening up and running again - Come to our monthly gig on Thursday to see him again.

Finishing off the night were the laid back Adam tempest and the hyper Chris Ramsey. Both very good, but this is the point where we stopped making notes again... So if you were there, and you have something to say about the night, leave a comment.

27th March. The Unexplained.

With Compere Al Dawes, 80s Luke, Danny Case, Mr. Arthur Fernshuttle.


Also with Don Moses, The Flash and Ging (who had a bad gig but never showed his disappointment.)


Newly shaven Al was host this week, and had unpredictable results from the start. Even using the compere standard question 'what's your name?' didn't go smoothly. The first two girls Al spoke to were both called Laura, which caused insant confusion. Al then dicovered a Glyniss who couldn't pronounce her own name 'I can't say it, but it's like Guiness with an L' she explained.

80s Luke was up first, conscious of his weight, and with a raft of one liners 'My girlfriend spiked my drink- with Slimfast.' He's also developing a range of new toys. How about Mr Dictator Head, -essentially a potato with a Sadam Hussein moustache.

Danny Case made his LLC debut, lamenting life as a 19 year old student with a 35 year old face. But he obviously doesn't live up to the maturity of his looks, 'Budweiser, that's the beer that makes you talk to your shoes at bus stops.'

A real treat now as we finally cajoled one of our regulars into taking the stage. Barry appeared as Mr. Arthur Fernshuttle, Gateshead's premier upholsterer (never knowingly understuffed) He was happy to be in Newcastle, or the 'Gateshead of the North' as it likes to be known. A great performance, peppered with beautifully worded phrases. We can't remember them, but they were good.

The Flash wowed us with a new take on the simple cup and ball trick. Man, that guy can handle his balls. And where did that lime come from?

As a professonal entertainer (unlike us amateurs) Don Moses can watch the same TV as the students. He was back with tales of the delights of Jeremy Kyle (For people who think Trisha is a bit to cerebral.)

Up to now there hadn't been much on our theme of the unexplained. But Ging the Mirthiless was headlining, and 2 weeks ago he'd said 'Oh, Can I do that 'unexplained' theme, I've got a great book and I've got loads of material for it.' Cut to the night in question. 'I lost the book, I'll just wing it.' And wing it he did. And lo, the wing fell off and he did roll from the stage and lie in a heap of his own untapped potential. The most remarkable thing was how long the audience chuckled along quite happily, before realising he had no material. Ging has a very good stage persona, and one of these days he will turn up with some material to match it and will be cheered to the rafters. One day.

20th March - This week in History.

Some of our stars this week, Ashley Frieze, Lee Chamberlin, and Don Moses.

Also appearing were Tom Mitchell and romantic novelist Selsdon Crupp.

York's James Christopher was compereing the first section again and warned us of the dangers of making improtant anouncements when Eastenders is about to finish. (Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun!) It makes things sound more dramatic than they are and may cause cockneyism. He introduced Tom Mitchell (of the fabulous sketch group Belly Rub) was flying solo this week with his stand up- he wondered why smokers are so disorganised, smack addicts don't ask you for a syringe.
Don Moses was back, wondering why football dugouts are now called 'technical areas' - there's nothing very technical about telling someone to f@&*($ hit it.

Pete was compere for the rest of the night, and soon abandonned his 'this week in history' themed material- it turned out to be informative but not funny, which is why no one else had bothered with it. Instead he got stuck in the logical problems of 'ripping the piss' put of someone for going to the toilet - are you actually helping them? The plucky recipient was Seb Proudfoot, and came in for more abuse when we pondered how he got his name. 'Well, I'm a baker, so I'll be Joe Baker. What about Seb?' 'Well, he's very proud of his feet.' Cheers Seb.

Lee Chamberlain has been unlucky in love. He did meet a nice girl on line. From Thailand. Called Dave. A nice set from a nice bloke, making an overdue return after his first LLC gig last year.

Finally, Ashley Freize was the first musical act we've had in ages. Songs of bum love, stalkers, and the horror that is eurovision. All in one jolly, guitar stummin' package.

13th March. Travel.

With Chris Martin, Adam Tempest, Paul Gerrard, Sean Mcloughlin, Dicky and Vladamir McTavish. (And Stu Robertson, who got the no photo short straw.)

Chris Martin was special guest host this week, and a blinding job he did. Chris certainly mined some comedy gold out of this week's audience, we had the Hexam dog fighting league (they don't make dogs fight each other- that would be cruel. They just fight the dogs themselves.)

Adam tempest was up first, on his second gig, but very promising. At one point we thought he might be a racist, but he actually meant to say 'foxes' not 'chinese'. King of one liners, Paul Gerrard, was back, and exploiting his striking resemblance to Britney Spears. Sean Mcloughlin returned- self derprication and illusions of grandure in one paradoxical passage. He claimed to be born in bethlehem, but later admitted his child psychologist feared for his mental health, as she'd never seen so much radiohead in one bedroom. Stu Robertson was back, with a solid routine rather than his usual last minute ramble. He's the closest we get to a social conscience, Stu highlighted the case of the Jamaican woman who's being deported- even though both her sons are soldiers who've served in Iraq. To lessen the imigrant burden Stu offered to go to Afganistan himself (why should people trafficers go back with an empty van) he doesn't have much on. Dicky, with the Hexam possie in tow, introduced us to the world of pornographic mime- an untapped genre. Finishing off was Vladamir Mc Tavish, he was delighted to be in newcastle- because he could actually smoke indoors.

The competition was this old joke...

My Wife went on holiday.
Jamaica?
No, She went of her own accord.

Alaska?
There's no need to ask her, I've just told you.

Chris didn't have much faith in it, saying 'I think those are the only 2 that work, If anyone gets another one I'll buy them a drink.' And true enough answers were thin on the ground but the victor was;

Madagascar?
No, she wasn't mad so I didn't gas her.

You wags!

6th March -Our Birthday.

Yes. We were 1 year old this week, and to celebrate the occassion we had Sean Moran, Tim Craven, Ross Nolan, Phil Buckley and Belly Rub and headliner Sahrah Millican (Outdoing everyone with her diamonte clown nose.)


Cal was compere tonight, and had to work hard as there were performing arts tutors in the front row, including a voice coach, so call had to watch his r's. On another note he'd heard that hot baths are bad for the sperm count. Cal's not ready for kids so he's considering squating over the stuve and boiling his spuds (ooh, we're a classy buch at the LLC.)

A packed bill tonight, and dave dynamite was squeezed in at the last minute too (making up for the times he's been here and played to 2 blokes and a dog) A great high-energy start. But By the way Dave, 'bundle' is called 'pile on' in the North.

Sean Moran is a nice guy - But is that an impressive thing? It's a lot easier to be nice than a philandering heart-breaking bastard. Still, the crowd loved him. They offered to take him for a romantic night out.

Tim Craven wowed us with a song he's writing for his girlfriend. But he didn't bring his guitar so it was a poem basically. But it didn't ryhme or scan. So it was some words. Anyway, among the many ways he shows his love was running the tap until the water gets cold- so his lady love is free of tepid squash anguish. Brill.

-more later.... as I've got to go to work, and this is where Al took over writing notes and I can't read his writing.





Following a break we had the slightly loopy ramblings of Ross Nelson in front of his tutor and the aforementioned voice coach. Ross was the least experienced comic on the bill by some distance, but managed to ride the good feeling of our excellent start.

Next up, Belly Rub - local sketch group, go see their show in the cumberland arms at the end of March - gave us some of their old favourites. I don't wish to ruin the surprise of their night. I would just heartily recommend them.

Phil Buckley chatted to us about life and love, with a lovely stage presence and some killer chatup lines - he was one of our first invaders from outside Newcastle back in April, it was great to have him back.

Finally TLSM (the lovely Sarah Millican) popped onto stage and just spouted some musings she had had over the last few weeks, which was far and away funnier and better than the rest of us with our material that took 2 years to polish! She was brilliant as ever, and we can't wait until she is back again!