13th March. Travel.

With Chris Martin, Adam Tempest, Paul Gerrard, Sean Mcloughlin, Dicky and Vladamir McTavish. (And Stu Robertson, who got the no photo short straw.)

Chris Martin was special guest host this week, and a blinding job he did. Chris certainly mined some comedy gold out of this week's audience, we had the Hexam dog fighting league (they don't make dogs fight each other- that would be cruel. They just fight the dogs themselves.)

Adam tempest was up first, on his second gig, but very promising. At one point we thought he might be a racist, but he actually meant to say 'foxes' not 'chinese'. King of one liners, Paul Gerrard, was back, and exploiting his striking resemblance to Britney Spears. Sean Mcloughlin returned- self derprication and illusions of grandure in one paradoxical passage. He claimed to be born in bethlehem, but later admitted his child psychologist feared for his mental health, as she'd never seen so much radiohead in one bedroom. Stu Robertson was back, with a solid routine rather than his usual last minute ramble. He's the closest we get to a social conscience, Stu highlighted the case of the Jamaican woman who's being deported- even though both her sons are soldiers who've served in Iraq. To lessen the imigrant burden Stu offered to go to Afganistan himself (why should people trafficers go back with an empty van) he doesn't have much on. Dicky, with the Hexam possie in tow, introduced us to the world of pornographic mime- an untapped genre. Finishing off was Vladamir Mc Tavish, he was delighted to be in newcastle- because he could actually smoke indoors.

The competition was this old joke...

My Wife went on holiday.
Jamaica?
No, She went of her own accord.

Alaska?
There's no need to ask her, I've just told you.

Chris didn't have much faith in it, saying 'I think those are the only 2 that work, If anyone gets another one I'll buy them a drink.' And true enough answers were thin on the ground but the victor was;

Madagascar?
No, she wasn't mad so I didn't gas her.

You wags!

6th March -Our Birthday.

Yes. We were 1 year old this week, and to celebrate the occassion we had Sean Moran, Tim Craven, Ross Nolan, Phil Buckley and Belly Rub and headliner Sahrah Millican (Outdoing everyone with her diamonte clown nose.)


Cal was compere tonight, and had to work hard as there were performing arts tutors in the front row, including a voice coach, so call had to watch his r's. On another note he'd heard that hot baths are bad for the sperm count. Cal's not ready for kids so he's considering squating over the stuve and boiling his spuds (ooh, we're a classy buch at the LLC.)

A packed bill tonight, and dave dynamite was squeezed in at the last minute too (making up for the times he's been here and played to 2 blokes and a dog) A great high-energy start. But By the way Dave, 'bundle' is called 'pile on' in the North.

Sean Moran is a nice guy - But is that an impressive thing? It's a lot easier to be nice than a philandering heart-breaking bastard. Still, the crowd loved him. They offered to take him for a romantic night out.

Tim Craven wowed us with a song he's writing for his girlfriend. But he didn't bring his guitar so it was a poem basically. But it didn't ryhme or scan. So it was some words. Anyway, among the many ways he shows his love was running the tap until the water gets cold- so his lady love is free of tepid squash anguish. Brill.

-more later.... as I've got to go to work, and this is where Al took over writing notes and I can't read his writing.





Following a break we had the slightly loopy ramblings of Ross Nelson in front of his tutor and the aforementioned voice coach. Ross was the least experienced comic on the bill by some distance, but managed to ride the good feeling of our excellent start.

Next up, Belly Rub - local sketch group, go see their show in the cumberland arms at the end of March - gave us some of their old favourites. I don't wish to ruin the surprise of their night. I would just heartily recommend them.

Phil Buckley chatted to us about life and love, with a lovely stage presence and some killer chatup lines - he was one of our first invaders from outside Newcastle back in April, it was great to have him back.

Finally TLSM (the lovely Sarah Millican) popped onto stage and just spouted some musings she had had over the last few weeks, which was far and away funnier and better than the rest of us with our material that took 2 years to polish! She was brilliant as ever, and we can't wait until she is back again!

25th Feb Myspace.

This week's theme was Myspace, so thanks to Tom who made it all possible.
With Don Moses, Chris Ramsey, Ric Wharton, Callum, Al and Pete.


Pete was compere this week, and was not the best choice as he hates myspace. He's only got 5 friends, and that's counting Tom- the owner of myspace. He's friends with everyone on myspace. Pete suggested that when he sells the site to google we should all turn up at his california mansion. 'Who are you?' 'It's us Tom, your friends!'

Ric Wharton was back with an odd new form of masochism, wanting Jeremy Kyle to treat you like the dirty underclass scum you are!

Don Moses is too sensible (old?) for myspace, and anyway he's got real friends. Another great 5 minutes of new material, Don's going to have to come back soon to headline with his best bits, or take over the compere duties for a night- god knows we could do with a rest.

A few late cancelations meant we were a few acts short. No problem. Now that we have one compere, we have two of Newcastle's finest in constant reserve- Al and Cal stepped into the breach. Al's healthy lifestyle still has him drifting off the rails from time to time - we all get drunk and forget our keys, only Al could get drunk enough to forget his keys, break in, forget he's broken in and call the police to catch the burglar. Cal was still in full uniform, as he'd just finished work as a Michael Jackson impersonator. Alright postman. He admitted he'd once flipped on the round at a man for snapping his fingers, rather than just saying 'excuse me'. After a hail of abuse, Cal finally noticed that the guy'd had his voice box removed.

This did give Pete an excuse for hs trachiotomy version of Dolly Parton's Joline. Why do only country songs soung good like that?

Finishing off was Chris Ramsey with some brilliant tales of rowdy sheep, and the joys of being a media student- you can watch 'Back to the Future' and call it work. And why DOES someone in a time machine say 'Come on Marty, hurry!'

The competition was Geek's Film Club. We started you off with; 9 and a half geeks; Rear windows. DOS BOOT.- so there was plenty of room for improvement. The winner was American π -is equal to 3.1415926.

As I was compereing I didn't take as many notes as usual, if anyone remembers any more highlights please add comments.

20th Feb. -politics

With compere Al Dawes, Don Moses, Donnachda O Connail, Dan Dynamite.

Also Ben Davis, and Jamie Rothwell. (We've ordered a new camera so from next week we'll have pictures of the new acts too.)

The theme was politics, but Al didn't wan't to dwell on Blair and modern politics in case he started foaming at the mouth. Al's such a nice guy we sometimes forget he's a christian tory. Instead he focussed on Castro - he's retained a certain popularity even though he's a dictator- why? Because America hates him, so he can't be all bad. And there's enormous fun to be had from someone who's survived assassination by exploding cigar.

Ben Davis (still a student) discussed green issues and the Arab Isreali conflict. He's a quater Jewish so he has some insight, not much, but he is allowed to say 'mushugana'.

Don Moses started by thanking everyone for their applause, then wondered if he should. On Jeremy Kyle everyone gets a round of applause, even if they're on to explain why they abandonned their kids in a skip. He ended with a QandA session- just in case anyone thought he hadn't covered everything in his 5 minutes. Still, the audience clearly wanted him to be thorough -the third question was 'What happened in the 60's?'

Jamie Rothwell was recovering from valentines day. He got a shower radio. A charming gift? Jamie took this as a sign that his beloved hoped he'd kill himself falling through a glass door while attempting to dance in a soapy area.

Donnachda was back trying some new material, tales of alien abduction. Unfortunately for the aliens a miscalculation of scale meant he abducted them, in the pocket of his sensible thornproof jacket.

Dynamite Dave was headlining again, though Dave's been unlucky and only comes on quiet nights- so the honour of headlining is diminished by the fact there are fewer people in the room than at the start of the gig. But Dave energised the room and the 11 people still present were howling like a packed crowd. Dave effortlessly wove the theme of politics into his set. 'I saw John Major in the chip shop once, you know when you're in the chip shop...'

We'd had enough politics by now, so it being pancake day, the competition was suggestions for other weird holidays. Tickle a nun day was a popular favourite. The winner suggested we re-start the practice of rolling cheeses down hills, except substituting the cheese with Jade Goody.

13th February -Gardening / Valentines.

With Paul Gerrard, Rick wharton, Ging, Carl Hutchinson, Compere Callumb Cramb and Pete Thompson (As Father Mahoney)

Also with John Whale (Sadly not pictured as the LLC camera is officially dead.)

This week the theme was Gardening, as 4 weeks ago when we picked it we'd failed to notice it was the day before Valentine's. But in the end Love won out, and there was more slush than mulch.

Compere this week was Cal, warming us up with cosmopolitain tales of how his train was delayed by a tramp's package and the dangers of being a metrosexual (You get thrown off and your pass is confiscated.)

Fist up was Rick Wharton with a cracking set. After getting the Newcastle Edition of Monopoly he discussed other real events games - 9/11 Jenga anyone? The audience liked some, but thought some were in poor taste - apparently if you're going to mock the dead at LLC make sure they're dead Americans.

Paul Gerrard is a rare thing. He's a comic who tells jokes. No stories, no banter, no have you ever noticed... or wouldn't it be funny if... He just tells gags, and it's refreshing. "I joined a club for obsessive compulsives, 87 times." If you want to hear 18 more like that, watch Paul for 7 minutes.

Regular Pete was up this week with a paper dog collar and a ropey Irish accent -as Father Mahoney, giving a Valentines day sermon, throwing new light on an old romantic tale. A man sells his watch to buy his wife some combs, while to buy him a watch chain she sells her hair. The daft feckin' mare.

John Whale was up next, a true wordsmith pondering on why so many of our idioms are frankly barbaric. Kill two birds with one stone, not enough room to swing a cat, from a nation of animal lovers?

Ging was back, sponsored by Coke this week. (Though it was very subtle.) Ging always brings a loyal gaggle of fans, and this week they were even doing his punchlines and adding to the routine. 'Forrest Gump said life is like a box of chocolates' says Ging, 'you never know what you'll get, - but I always get a little menu with a box of chocolates.' And from the crowd we heard, 'What about revels?'

Carl was back to finish the night with another dose of well observed material. Why do mums tidy the house before the Gas man arrives?

The competition, hastily converted to a valentine theme was completing the rhyme;
'Roses are red, violets are blue'
e.g.
I've got clamidia, now you do too.
(and the worrying winner)
go on, sniff my finger, sniff it, sniff it.

What's wrong with you people?

6th Feb - Sports

This week's sports themed night including: Tom Mitchell, Dave Dynamite, guest compere James Christopher. Also there (though not pictured as the LLC camera has finally died) were Keith Piper, Romantic Novelist Selsdon Crupp and Jenny Armstrong.


We're trying out one compere for the whole night, so Pete was the first to give it a go. Most of Pete's material was based on explaining the competition 'Improve the Sport' eg. Relay-Sticks of dynamite replace batons. This means the runners are still competing against each other, but there's also an element of beat the clock. Though Pete also got lucky with the audience banter. He once sprained his jaw through yawning, 'Have you had any weird injuries?' He asked a guy in the first row. 'I started to grow an extra knee...'

First up was Tom Mitchell with a quick look at some of the topics of the day, including the development of 'ethical bullets' -how 'ethical' can they be, exactly?

Next was Keith Piper in his second LLC appearance, managing to draw a lot of humour from the fact that he wasn't really prepared. 'Where's my notes?' isn't the most likely catchphrase, but it seemed to work alongside, 'I haven't worked out how to do a Noah accent.'

Romantic Novelist Selsdon Crupp was a beautiful bit of character comedy. Selsdon read from his latest opus 'Castaway... on Sex Island.' And related his celebrity hijinks with show-biz mate Frank Bruno.

Another illustated lecture from Jenny Armstrong. (We really need a picture) This time Jenny did a bit of poetry criticism - on the genre 'Whinnie the Pooh' fan literature. -Most of whch dosen't stand up to Jenny's trained critical eye. Also, is eating a starburst equivalent to a star bursting? Most of us just wonder - Jenny does the research, and serves it up on a science plate.

Finally Dave Dynamite wound up the night in fine frantic style. His crafted machine gun rants (in that charming Essex burr) giving a final boost of energy and ensuring the crowd left on a high.

31st January – Reality TV

With Catherine Scott, Carl Hutchinson, Donnachda O'Connaill, Vladimir McTavish, John Scott and others.

A good night, a packed bill, and that ‘hooray, it’s just after payday’ feel all round.

This week’s theme of Reality TV was embraced by all. For the first time. Brilliant. And the crowd seemed to be happy that we were all talking about similar stuff. Amazingly, Jade Goody got off lightly!

Al opened the night, telling a tale about how he was on big brother once?! He introduced Carl Hutchinson and Catherine Scott. Carl had a few things to talk about, and was not happy with the celebrity big brother debacle. Not at all. Catherine was back for the first time in ages, and told of her time in byker grove as an extra. “look, it’s my hair! Behind that table!”

Pete took the middle section, and was already hammered as he was replacing his smoking habit with a drinking one. He introduced Dickie Gardner, Vladimir McTavish, and Donnachda O’Connil. Vladimir McTavish had a few things that he wanted to see on reality TV. It was a sharp downward spiral of filth. Very good. We love that he comes over all the time, a genuine pro, and you get to see him for a measly £2. Donnachda again showed off his Woody-Allen-esq writing skills. His newer material about his parents as solid as anything he has had before.

The final section saw Callum finishing off the competition, then introducing Stu Robertson and John Scott. Stu was in excellent form, telling us tales of REAL reality TV, along with CCTV footage of his mate beating someone up in Barrow. Bless. John Scott finished the evening in style. He performed in a laid back style, put still reminded everyone that the noises in the back yard could well be a serial killer!

This weeks competition was to suggest your own reality TV show. My favourite was ‘Who wants to be a Milliner’, but the winner was ‘Charver Safari – hunters drive through Benwell shooting charvers’. Well deserved!

23 Jan The Great Outdoors.

With; Sean Mcloughlin, John Scott, Don Moses, Ben Davis, and Tom Roche.

A night that most agreed was 'strange but good.' Al Dawes got us off to a good start by reminding us that we were in the post christmas gloom and that this was oficially the most poverty stricken and depressing week of the year. (He told us, by the way, it wasn't just that his very appearance remined us of the fact.)

Don Moses was up first trying another new 5 minutes to hone his compere skills for later in the year (He's bringing Tim Vine to Newcastle- check the link to his site). Unlike last week, not all the topical material hit home, the danger of talking about the news is not everyone's heard it.

Ben Davis, another charming student, got into the spirit of the theme (The Great Outdoors.) telling us of the uber-hiker who introduced him to the magic of G.O.R.P. - Good Old Raisins and Peanuts.

With only 5 acts we'd gone for a show of 2 halves, and we realise now people need that extra break, as Al was warming up the crowd for the next act, half of them were alread in the loo. Even the soundman dissapperaed for a quick wee, but so did the next act himself so it didn't matter too much. Finishing part 1, was John Scott who'd popped down for a relaxing drink and agreed to go on to fill the gaps caused by the dirty no-shows (You know who you are.) A relaxed John started with some audience banter, but John found himself in a comedy cul-de-sac, when Mark's proudest acheivement was to have reached 21 (and not because of some hilariously life threatening illness.) Thankfully, John's a pro and knows when to give up on the wasters in our audience and tell some of his own jokes.

Part two and Pete was up to compere, showing his knowledge of the great outdoors through the example of the swiss army knife. The most popular tools are the corkscrew and the bottle opener, so for most people it's essentially a booze stick. Callum Cramb (as act rather than 3rd host) was up next with new material and old routines. This is where the night started to get a little weird. A lack luster response to Cal's new material, and Pete's failure to get much more fun out of a camping tool prompted them to say 'We're the backbone of LLC- and we've been the worst things on tonight.' A good natured audience seemed happy enough - they'd obviously seen worse acts who didn't even have the decency to apologise. But the negativity must have hit Sean Mcloughlin. As Al said in his blog;

"Last night at long live comedy, we had a performance from a young lad. He began to die on stage, which is a common thing amongst comedians, so he'd better get used to it. It was - if such a thing is possible - the funniest death I have ever seen. He realised he was getting nowhere, and just launched on a tirade about just how crap everything is. He had absolutely no idea how good he was.　As Pete later commented, he turned around his performance through the gift of spectacular self-loathing."

I don't believe this for a moment. Sean knew exactly what he was doing, he'd planned this hilarious 'death' from the start.

To finish the night Tom Roche got us back to the land of real planned comedy with some good old fashioned jokes. Sensing the odd mood of the night Tom gave us a snappy 10 minutes and left before things got weird again. Leaving Pete to round things off, perhaps focusing on the negative Pete apologised for the whole thing and for stealling £2 from everyone. Then Callum got up, not to chastise the idiot, but to join in offering his apology.

To our relief no one thought it had been a bad night, just one with peculiar, but interesting ups and downs- most of which were funny, if sometimes for the wrong reasons.

Strange but good.

16th January-Technology.

Tonight we saw; Donnachda O'Connail, Chris Martin, Ging, Rick Wharton and Boozo the clown.


along with Chris Ramsey, Don Moses and Carl Hutchinson.

Ric was up first wth some nice tales illustrating the danger of drugs- mainly taking them with chavs. Don Moses, often pops in to try out a quick 5 minutes of new stuff, and everything worked first time this week, a great little set, ending with what Blair should have said when he finally gave an opinion on Sadam's execution. Chris Ramsey ended the first section with one of the best debut sets we've seen, STD's have never seemed so much fun. -Damn! These new boys just keep popping up from nowhere.

The laconic Donnachda was back with a set which mixed his classic material with new experiments. As usual we couldn't see the gaps, it all seems effortlessly good. Boozo the clown made his second visit and possibly didn't get the appreciation he deserved, though the thick accent and the foam red nose he put over the mic meant a lot of the audience couldn't hear. Oh and a lot of people were just plain terrified.

After losing it last time, Ging was back! He stuck to his material, took his shirt off and made it through. Material wise, Ging is still a bit rough and ready but tonight the crowd loved him. Carl Hutchinson (quickly becoming an LLC regular) was back to hone his fine set. Finnally, Chris Martin was back to finish the night in fine style, expanding on his already bizarre story of how he made 150 quid out of being mugged.

Oh- and we were crammed in like sardines.

9th January - Fat

The first show after the new year, and it was intimate, but a lot of fun. Sadly due to Pete being away, there are no photo's, but we will sort something out.

Callum opened the show and introduced Dickie Gardner. Dickie has done a number of gigs around student unions, but this was his first one in a 'club' of sorts. You could see his stage presence was good, and it was a nice way to start the show.
After him, 80's Luke - up from Manchester with his dad - treated us to a battery of one liners, backed up with a delightful little vignette of Charles and Camilla, at it like knives. "one's arrived!". Cracking.

The second part had Al Dawes showing off his new (smaller) waistline, and bitching about how he has lost half of his set along with the 4 stone. Tought luck lad. Paul Gerrard once again with more new material took the stage. Though he took a few minutes to warm up, he again had the crowd creased with laughter. Question his confidence if you will, but Paul's writing is excellent.
Callum and Al then gave us the 'Quorn to be Wild' sketch. Written by Pete. It was either going to be a win for Pete, as it fell on it's arse and he didn't have to take the fall, or a win for Callum and Al, as it stormed, and they got to take the credit. Bad luck Pete, it was funny as hell, and the crowd loved it. More sketch work in the future we think.

In the final section, Callum returned with the competition - Novel weight loss techniques, the winner was 'Eat the scales'. Not entirely sure why that got the biggest laugh, but you can't argue with results.

John Whale performed his first ever gig, and as has started to happen of late, the New boys outshone the more experienced guys on the night. A great set of material covering adverts and proverbs, in a style very reminiscent of Dylan Moran.
Finally, another of the Helles Belles troupe - Viv - gave us some poetry and commentary on the dangers of underwear shopping.

A really fun night, and yet again, opportunity for acts to get up on stage, and try what they dare not try elsewhere.

Covers night - more pictures.

You can see the originals in the proper review below - but here are our versions...



Carl Hutchinson as Dennis Leary; Ric Warton as Jack Dee- also winning the competition this week. Callum Cramb as Lee Evans (note the sweaty pits- such attention to detail!) with Al Dawes as Richard Pryor, or as Steff pointed out they may just be the leads in a new BBC police drama. Pete Thompson's Emo Phillips (with wig) and without wig as an anorexic Han Solo (Steff again). Shown here choking Steffan Peddie as a svelte Jabba the hut - Steffan also gave us Eddie Murphy and Robin Williams (such versatility!)

Covers Night - 19th December

Featuring the excellent compering of Steph Peddie, the covers night was a roaring success, and we all enjoyed it immensely.

Ric Warton come onstage as Jack Dee, and admirably started the night with some of the moody bugger's one liners and complaints. Especially the routine about Cricket players being more inclined to hit the ball if they didn't have pads. Excellent.

Al Dawes followed, with a very ambitious tribute to Richard Pryor. Being middle class, and thus almost physically scared of the infamous N-word, he used a BBC editing technique - Pussy was replaced by Pinepple, Mother-f***er became Melon-farmer, Nigger was replaced by Noddy. I'm not sure anyone knew how this would go, but it was actually funny, absurd, cringeworthy and joyous. I'm still giggling now.

Carl Hutchinson arrived as Dennis Leary, and impressively had learnt some incredibly fast paced ranting verbatim. It missed the audience at times from a humour point of view, but as an acting exercise was strong work.

Pete Thompson's Emo Phillips was a real highlight. As Steph later commented, it was a perfect recreation. Not only was the impression spot on, so was the audiences response. When the real Emo appears, you get a 50-50 split of people crying with laughter, or just looking confused. Everything was right, the voice, the clothes, and the wig, along with some of Emo's classic material. A triumph.

Callum Cramb gave us some Lee Evans - at times you may think they were separated at birth. You can see why Cal has him as a hero, the two are very similar. He injected a huge amount of energy into proceedings, and as such, did as much as Evans can do.

Finally, Steph took a break from his excellent work as compere, to become the second white-brit-does-black-american-icon as he presented us with Eddie Murphy. Some very pretty work, and loads of energy. The moment he turned around and challenged us not to love his tight ass, you knew it was all good. And just to show he had more strings to his bow, he did some Robin Williams too.

We had great fun performing as our heroes, and the audience had a good old laugh as well. I just can't wait until we do it again next year. Have a Merry non-denominational winter festival period. And God Bless.